Adult Friendship in Fall: A Panic-y Text and the Proximity Trap
We Both Texted "Did I Stand You Up?"
I thought I ghosted my best friend for our monthly standing dinner date—and the panic that followed turned into a real revelation about why adult friendships that felt effortless all summer suddenly take so much more work once fall hits.
Who Should Listen
Moms who've realized their adult friendships ran almost entirely on summer proximity—pool days, camp pickup, kids colliding at the park
Anyone who's had that gut-drop moment of almost missing time with a close friend
Listeners who feel like they're "complaining a lot lately" and need the reminder that naming what's hard isn't the same as failing at life
Fans of Caitlin and Jenny's friendship who want an update
Quick Poll 🍂
Do you think it's harder to maintain your friendships once summer's over?
Yup
No
Chapters / Timestamps
00:00 – Intro: The almost-missed date night
01:58 – It's easy to be social during the summer...
03:26 – ...but it's so much harder in the fall
04:35 – Summer proximity isn't real friendship
05:34 – So I did something about it
06:30 – Recent episodes recap
What You Get In This Episode
Why adult friendships often depend more on built-in summer structure (pool days, camp pickup, kid overlap) than people realize
The panicky moment that I texted Jenny with the "Fuuuuuuuuuu... did I stand you up for our date?!" and her immediate "No, did I stand YOU up?!" and what that panic revealed
A concrete, low-effort fix: picking a date, adding it to shared calendars, booking the reservation, and setting multiple reminders
A recap tying together the last few episodes' themes — none of it is a personal failing, it's just what happens inside systems I didn't build
Host Bio
Caitlin Kindred is the host of Not Quite Grownup, a podcast for moms navigating the gap between who they're "supposed" to be and the messy, real version of adulthood.
Sources & Mentions
Jenny: Caitlin's best friend and former co-host, referenced throughout for their standing monthly dinner date
The Grove (Austin area): the restaurant where Caitlin and Jenny have their standing date
Gossiping at The Grove: a candle from a local shop, a gift from Jenny referencing their tradition
Threads: @not_quite_grownup: where listeners can reach out with episode topic ideas
Text link at the top of the show notes: another way for you to send in topic requests
Callbacks to recent episodes: the day-four back-to-school routine episode, the mental load / $600 episode, and the fall vibes crochet pumpkin episode
Read this Episode's Full Transcript
Adult Friendship in Fall: A Panic-y Text & the Proximity Trap
Caitlin K.: [00:00:00] Jenny and I have a standing date night. Every third Thursday of the month, we go to dinner. If you live in the Austin area, you've probably heard of it. It's called The Grove. It's close to me. It's easy for her to get to on her way home from work. We've gone there so many times that she bought me a candle from a local shop called Gossiping at The Grove.
Y'all, last month we missed it. I actually sent her a text that said, "F-" end of the word is cut off, "Did I stand you up for our date?" And then less than a minute later she sends me back, "No, did I stand you up?" Y'all, this dinner is easily one of my favorite things, and I know it's one of Jen's favorite things.
And I, I mean, I guess we missed it.
[00:00:59] Welcome
Caitlin K.: [00:01:00] Welcome to Not Quite Grown Up, the show for moms just trying to keep themselves from losing it on the regular. I'm Caitlin, and if you're new here, Jenny is my BFF and former co-host, and someone I truly delight in seeing. You know those videos of friends where one lady is falling down and the other one pees herself laughing?
I'm thinking of the one recently that came out where she was sitting on a fence, she falls down, the other one's cracking up, and she pees herself. That's us, and we probably take turns being the ones who, who pees ourselves. It's, it's a thing. If you've had a kid, you know.
Anyway, if you're a regular listener and you know a mom who would sooner laugh before helping her friend who falls down, you should send this to her, 'cause I'm sure she'd like it.
Anyway, we missed our date, and I really can't believe it.
[00:01:58] It's easy to be social during the summer...
Caitlin K.: Summer is [00:02:00] such a social season. The kids are out of school, right? So you have to entertain them. Going to the pool, bring your friends. Drinks on the porch while the kids play outside, invite the neighbors over. Picking up from camp, have a conversation with an adult in the pickup line. Maybe you need a break from all that, go gossip at The Grove with your bestie.
We were so good about it all summer, and then school started. She got busier with work, obviously. She's an assistant principal. The kids were back in school. Her kids were back in school. There's extracurriculars, hers and her kids, and then life in general. And of course, I also got much busier. School, fall, brings a whole new level of things, right?
And I realized that as much as I hate summer because it's too damn hot here, and because the lack of structure really messes with me, [00:03:00] I do love how easy it is to be social in the summertime. Summer just does that work for you. And it sucks, like really, really sucks when you realize that you don't actually have a plan for seeing people now that the built-in excuses of summertime get-togethers are gone.
[00:03:26] ...but it's so much harder in the fall.
Caitlin K.: If you're an adult, forgive me, this podcast is called Not Quite Grown Up for a reason.
But it just occurred to me that in my life, many of my adult friendships are the result of my son. And if they aren't the direct result of my son, they are son adjacent, and that means that if my son isn't colliding with other kids at kid places, sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively, some of my adult friendships actually have very little structure.
I [00:04:00] mean, I guess the blunt way of saying it is I don't see those friends unless the kids collide somewhere.
Because seeing them requires deliberate, intentional, initiation in a way that summer never does.
And unfortunately, initiating a get-together in the fall just takes energy I've already spent elsewhere. And if you're not sure what I'm talking about, just go look at my recent episodes.
You'll, you'll get it.
[00:04:35] Summer proximity isn't real friendship
Caitlin K.: Jenny and I didn't stand each other up. But that, oh, shoot moment, again, trying to keep it PG around here for y'all.
That moment that I had gave me like a mini existential crisis/tiny heart palpitations. A- [00:05:00] and I was kinda thinking, like maybe I've been mistaking the proximity that summer creates with, like, actual friendship or connection. And now that I don't have the same proximity or availability maybe, and I'm missing the connection, I've realized that the actual connection with my favorite people, like the ones who, you know, don't live in my house, takes real effort, and I'm out of practice because summer made it so easy.
[00:05:34] So I did something about it.
Caitlin K.: So I picked a date, I sent it to Jen, we put it on the calendar. We have personal calendars where we invite the other person, and then we have a family calendar that we share with our, our husband, where all the family stuff goes so that we know that the other person has claimed that time. I booked a reservation at a restaurant.
I set alarms for myself two days [00:06:00] before, one day before, an hour before, and then time to leave, because yes, I really do need that many.
And I'm thrilled that I did that because it took all of like four minutes to take care of all those things. But now I get to look forward to it for a couple of weeks, and then at the end of that look- forward to time, I actually get to laugh with her.
And that's a big deal to me. That's worth the effort.
[00:06:30] Recent episodes recap
Caitlin K.: Over the past few episodes, I've talked about a few things. How my back to school routine fell apart on day four. H- uh, the CVS receipt length list of administrativia. Again, I'm really getting good at saying that word. That lasts the length of the school year, right? The list just keeps on going like a CVS receipt, and you can't get ahead of it.
Uh, how technically yes, autumn is here, but I'm still dealing with [00:07:00] this BS heat, and I'm crocheting pumpkins to soothe my fall loving soul. And now this, this sadness about missing friendships that were so easy to nurture over the summer, but that I've struggled to maintain moving into the fall. And when I look back on all that, I kind of feel like a really crappy complainer, you know?
Like, damn, did I really just spend eight weeks pointing out all these things that are broken in my life? Yes. Yeah, yes, I did. But this is where I'm gonna toot my own horn here. The one thing I'm taking away from these past few episodes is that none of these feelings I have or things that are broken are personal failings that I should feel guilty about.
And let me tell you, that right there, the guilt bit, [00:08:00] that is massive personal growth on my part.
I'm sitting here recording these episodes and realizing that I didn't build any of those systems. I just live inside them, and I clearly have opinions about it. So if it sounds like I'm complaining, I hear you, but that's me talking about my real life. I'm a recovering people pleaser/slowly becoming feral early perimenopausal woman, and sometimes I fixate on the negative things, not because I'm an Eeyore in any way.
I think most of my loved ones would describe me as the furthest thing from an Eeyore, but because that's my reality. And I'm here sharing my reality in the hopes that it makes you feel seen. And I think people really need that right now. I think people really [00:09:00] need to feel seen. So as we barrel full steam ahead deeper into the ber months.
Someone said that to me, and I was like, "Ber months? Oh, yeah, September, October, November." Gotta finish it, December. Yeah, ber months. I promise, as we keep going into these ber months, I will do my best to keep you feeling seen. So if you have something you want me to talk about, please do reach out. You can send me a text using the link at the very top of the show notes, or you can find me on Threads at notquitegrownup, underscore in between each thing, so not_quite_grownup.
And I'll be back soon with a new episode. Until then, thank you so much for listening to my complaints, to my reality, to my love of fall. Thank you for going to visit the website and seeing the crochet pumpkins. [00:10:00] That means a lot. Love you, mean it.
Bye.
Comments